Go the F*** to Sleep

Four children and countless hours spent staring into the dark thinking the very words of the title of this post. My oldest daughter was never a good sleeper. She didn’t nap well during the afternoon, so I thought naturally, she would go to sleep easier at night. Not so. Bedtime routine: bath, stories, prayers, songs, lavender lotion, soft music – you name it, I did it. All in the name of getting her to sleep. from 8:30 – 11pm, I would be in her room, holding her hand while she fell off to sleep.There I would be, in the room saying in my head, “Just go the F*** to sleep. Please!”.

Leave her in there by herself, you say? Ferberize her? Didn’t work either. Her father hated to hear her cry and would always intervene. Bedtime was a nightmare until she turned 4. Now she goes to sleep on her own…but she still stays up late.

When I heard Samuel L. Jackson’s telling of this classic parental nightmare and I was on the floor laughing for a good five minutes. I was actually ROTFLMAO’ing. I felt the need to share this glorious audio book with you. It’s not something you should read to your children. Seriously, did I really need to say that? Enjoy. And go the F*** to Sleep.

Chores for my 3-year old

How do you get your toddler to do chores? With lots of supervision and help. 3 year olds tend to not be very focused. Heck, my 11-year old has no focus. There is always something shiny around to distract the kids. Especially when you are picking up toys. They inevitably start playing with the thing they were supposed to be cleaning. But I digress. I found a very cute Toddler Chore Chart with pictures.  You can download the one at the link or you can create your own based on the chores you want your child to do.

Now that you have your chart, don’t think you can just say, “Fix your bed”, “Clean up your toys”, “Fold your laundry” and expect your child to do it. Teaching your child how to clean up will involve a lot of  your time initially. You need to show them how to clean. What to clean AND what NOT to clean. Here are a few tips to help you along the way:

1. Explain what you want her to do.

“Ok, T. we are going to pick up all your toys and put them in this box! Isn’t that fun? Let’s see who can pick up the most toys!”

2. When the chore is completed praise her and put a new sticker on her chore chart.

Have her put the sticker in the proper place. Give her a big hug and tell her what a great big girl she is for doing her chores.

3. Rewards are good.

There is some controversy over rewarding your child for doing chores between some moms. I am of the camp where rewards are good and they work. But do what works for you and your household. A reward can be a sticker for their shirt, reading their favorite book to them, going out to play or even a healthy snack choice. Money has no value for most toddlers. I would wait until they are older to start giving out cash.

4. Consistency is the key.

I know it turns out to be more work for you doing it this way than if you just did the work yourself. But you are investing your time and effort in training your child to take care of their world. Keep at it every day or every other day or at least every week. You will set the expectation that they are responsible for cleaning up their messes and you will eventually have less work to do.

How to Deal with Middle School Blues

Oy vey! Perhaps you’ve noticed the gap in posts this past week. I’ve been prepping both my daughter and myself for the start of middle school in a couple of weeks. She is entering 7th grade and I’m finding it’s pretty stressful for me. She’s seems cool about it on the surface but I’m pretty sure she’s getting nervous too. She is starting at a new school and she won’t be with any of her friends from elementary school so she won’t have that internal support network to lean on.

This age for girls is really turning out to be challenging. I want her to be resilient and have a high level of self-esteem but I’m not always sure how to accomplish this. I recently started reading Building Emotional Intelligence: Techniques to Cultivate Inner Strength in Children by Linda Lantieri. These techniques are supposed to help your child learn how to respond to stressful situations in a healthy and positive way. I have not yet implemented the techniques  but I will keep you posted. So far, I am enjoying the book.

Here are a  few things I thought were valuable that I wanted to share with you for children ages 12 and up:

• Adolescents have a strong need for the sort self-determination they associate with adulthood.

Don’t try to control their decisions. Suggest things, present them with options and information so they can learn how to make informed decisions.

• Kids this age have very fragile self-esteem.

Give your kids the time to learn and master new skills. Enhancing self-esteem can be obtained by mastering new skills. Help set your child up for success.

• Model what you want your children to be or do.

The old adage “Do as I say, not as I do” doesn’t work. Kids will follow your example. Your deeds are more powerful than your words. Be consistent in your words and actions and then try to model how you want your children to be.

Wish me luck! I’ll check in with you on our progress as the school year goes on.

 

Part II – Taking Your Kids Out in Public: How to Train Your Children for a Trip to the Movies

Wow. The anti-kid movement is really gaining steam. It seems everyone is now expressing what they secretly believed for a long time: Children should be neither seen nor heard in restaurants or movies. I don’t disagree with the main sentiment that folks are expressing. I believe that children should know how to behave while in public places. And this is why I’m going to offer to my adoring blog fans, all 5 of you, my tips for training your child in a movie theater.

You may remember my previous post on how to train your kids in a restaurant. That was well received. Movie theater training works the same way. Essentially, it has to be about the kid. We all know you want to go see Harry Potter or Friends With Benefits. That Justin Timberlake is nice to look at. But that is not the movie you train your young children on. If you follow my handy tips, you’ll be able to take you child anywhere with confidence.

#1 – Start at a young age
It helps to start the training young. Take your infant to a movie. Yes! You can! Go when they normally nap. When you give them a bottle or breastfeed, they will fall off to sleep and you can enjoy the rest of the movie.

#2 – Pick a movie they will be interested in
Again, training is not the time to see a romantic comedy or a boring drama or Resident Evil. Pick a movie that your child will focus on for at least 75% of the time. Yes, go see that Care Bears movie. You may fall asleep but your child will get the experience of watching a movie in a theater.

#3 – Go to the first show of the day
There are fewer people in the movie theater during that first showing and usually there are other families with kids. You won’t get those dirty looks from other patrons if your child decides to act up.

#4 – Be ready to leave the theater if your child has a tantrum
All mom’s have the “Mom ear”. Sometimes our children’s utterances become white noise after awhile. But if your kid is acting up, don’t just sit there and ignore your screaming child. If your child is being unreasonably noisy, take them out of the theater. Let them calm down. Explain that if they cannot behave, you will leave. You have to follow through with this threat or they won’t believe any threat you make in the future.

#5 – Don’t give your child a sugary treat
You are just asking for trouble if you decide to get them a 32-oz Icee to drink with their popcorn. Bring a low-sugar treat and drink with you that will satisfy your child and keep them in their seats. Popcorn is great. It keeps their hands and mouths busy. Bring along whatever your child loves. This will make their movie theater experience a fun one that they will want to do again.

The purpose of movie theater training is to get children used to the idea of being quiet while the show is on. Get them used to the loud music and being respectful of other people around them. I can and did take my 3-year old to see Harry Potter and it was a pleasant experience for all of us. She fell asleep halfway through and it was great!

These skills take time and patience to develop. Be consistent in your message with your children. Have high expectations and then give them the opportunity to rise to those expectations. You may be surprised at the result.

Let me know if you have any additional tips you’d like to share.

Show Them a Little Crazy

We had an incident this weekend. My 11-year old son decided he was going to test me by being disrespectful.

Before we discuss the incident, I need to tell you that I am a very reasonable person. I don’t like to yell if I don’t have to. In fact, I’d much rather have a discussion with my kids about better ways to behave. There are always consequences to their misbehavior. But in the process, I don’t have to raise my blood pressure or get too stressed out.

The original act was typical brother-sister argument stuff. Nothing too over the top. Because he was at fault, I asked J. to go out and pick up doggy poop from the backyard. He immediately looked disappointed and said no. No? Yes, he told me no. Disrespect to a parental unit is an absolute no-no in my house. That doesn’t play.

My normal reasonable self turned into a screaming, insane person. Visions of smacking the smirk off his face danced through my head. As I started screaming at him, he realized what he had done and immediately got doing what I asked him to do in the first place. I was also aware of my other three children watching what was going on. After he went outside, I went into my room to calm down.

When I returned, the remaining kids were quite helpful for the rest of the day. All ended well with J. We had a good talk later. I don’t think he fully understood the gist of my lecture but I just try to plant the seeds and pray that, with time, they will take root and grow.

I’ll go back to being my reasonable self. In the meantime, I will have to show them a little crazy every now and then, just to maintain my own sanity.

Part I – Taking Your Kids Out in Public: Tips on How to Train Your Child in a Restaurant

My three oldest kids were off doing various activities, which left me and my husband and the 3-year old. We decided it would be a great idea to go to a restaurant. I love taking my kids out to eat. They need to learn how to behave in society and what better way than to go out with the family?

You may have heard the recent news about restaurants across America banning children. Frankly, I think this is terrible. Kids are kids and they do kid things like annoy people. Parents have a right to go out and bring their children with them to enjoy a nice family time.

My post today will give you handy tips you can use to train your children while eating at a restaurant.

If you don’t take your kids out to eat for fear they will misbehave, choose a time that is specifically for “training”. Lay down the rules before you go. See how they do, they might surprise you.

Restaurant Rules for Kids
* No yelling, running or acting like a fool
* If rule #1 is broken, we will get up and go home. Period. (you really have to mean this one)
* If everyone behaves well, dessert at the end of the meal!

Now, some guidelines for you, the parent:

1 – Choose wisely
Come on people! Don’t take your kid to a four star restaurant! Use some common sense! First of all, they won’t appreciate the expensive, good food anyway. Secondly, there is a higher probability that any normal kid behavior will be frowned upon by the other patrons and result in your family being banned from future visits.

Pick a restaurant that is kid friendly but requires them to wait for service. NOT fast food. That is too easy. Denny’s is a good starter. Family-owned diners are great for restaurant training too. You want the noise level to be talkative but not too stimulating. Save Hard Rock Cafe for when they’ve proven themselves.

2 – Come prepared
Depending on the age of your child, you’ll want to come prepared with things to do. Coloring books and crayons work for any age range. Blank paper to play hangman or just to draw for the older kids. A book of jokes is great fun and you can take turns telling them.

3 – Focus on your kids, not the adults at the table
I know it is natural to want to discuss adult things with your adult companions but restaurant training is not the time! Save it for later. Maybe during dessert. The younger your child is, the more attention they will require. Otherwise, you will have sugar and salt and pepper all over the table. I’ll tell you the story about the hot sauce later.

4 – Help your child order but let them make the final decision on food.
Going to a restaurant is a great safe place to let your child start making “grown up” decisions, like what to eat. If it turns out they don’t like it, it’s okay. Let it be okay. You can doggie bag it and eat it later.

5 – Before you go, take a chill pill.
Assume that something will go wrong. Assume that there will be a meltdown. Plan for it. Prepare mentally for it. And then go and have a great time with your kids. Remember, they will learn how to behave when they are shown the proper behavior. It’s not intrinsically wired in their heads. Kids, like all of us, need to have opportunities to show us what they are capable of.

The Hot Sauce Story

When my 11-year old son was 3, we took him to Denny’s. Note, he hadn’t gone through my training at that point. This was one of his first times out at a restaurant. He was a super, super active toddler. I thought he was ADHD but no, he just had extra energy. I am sitting at the table with his dad and sister. He is going under the table and acting, yes, a fool. I was continually admonishing him and trying to get him to calm down. His father was far more permissive than I liked. Then he started playing with the bottle of hot sauce. I told him, “Put that bottle down. It’s super spicy! You’ll burn your mouth!” His dad said, “No, let him play with it.” Dear readers, for those of you that have toddlers, we all know what they do most and we all know what came next. My son put the bottle top in his mouth and then started crying because the sauce was so hot. We got him some milk and bread and that seemed to help. All was well at the end of the day. And now he loves to put hot sauce on his food. Go figure.

No Facebook for you!

No sooner did I hit the “Publish” button on my last post for keeping your kids safe online, my 11-year old son creates a Facebook account. Mind you, I’ve already told him that no one under the age of 13 is allowed to have a FB page in my house. He did this completely without my knowledge. I was pretty pissed when I found out. I discovered his page when I was going to my own FB page and saw that someone was already logged in. He never logged out of his account.

We had a long discussion on the #1 issue: TRUST.  By starting a FB account without my permission or knowledge, especially after I was very clear that they could not join Facebook, he broke my trust. Each time he lies or hides something, my trust is continually eroding. The consequence of those actions mean that one day, when he wants me to trust him by giving him some form of freedom, I’m not going to feel comfortable with it due to the past lying and untruths.

It’s a conversation we have on a regular basis because, let’s face it, kids lie. They lie so they won’t get in trouble. They lie so they don’t have to face the consequences of their actions. My hope is that they will eventually learn that the consequences of lying about a bad decision are far worse than the action itself. We see it every day in the news. The latest most salacious example would be Anthony Weiner. If he had fessed up from the start, he may not have had to resign from his post.

I’m not a highly permissive parent, but I want my children to learn how to make decisions. I try to guide them and keep them on the right path. It doesn’t always work, but I do the best I can.

5 Ways to Keep Your Child Safe Online

“But Mom, I’m 12 years old! You have to trust that I know how to take care of myself! Why won’t you just trust me!?!”
“Of course I trust you.” I told my daughter. “I just don’t trust people out there in the world.”

The conversation started with me asking a few questions about who she talks to on an online game she plays. She’s able to interact with different players, complete tasks and talk to her “friend” list.

“Who is on your friend list? Do you know these people personally?” I ask.
“Yes” she says initially, then it turns out to be no. So I dig deeper. “Who are these people? What do you talk about? Do you talk about yourself?”

Each question brings her more agitation and annoyance at me. I can tell her frustration is growing. But I continue…

“You have to understand.” I tell her. “You may think you are talking to another 12 year old girl but you are really talking to a 43 year old man who likes 12 year old girls. He knows how to talk to you to gain your trust and then get information from you to find out who you are and  where you are.”

It was at this point that she burst into her declaration of all-knowing and  WHY can’t I trust her???

Parents, it’s a dangerous world. I struggle daily with allowing my kids more freedom as they get older and holding them tighter to keep them safe. But we can allow our children online within limits if we follow a few guidelines on keeping them safe.

1. Have your child share her username and password with you
Let’s face it. If your kid can’t share what she’s doing online with her mom or dad, then she shouldn’t be doing it in the first place.

2. Teach your children how to be safe online.
Don’t share any personal information like city, phone number, address, last name. Don’t arrange to meet in person – especially if they don’t want you to tell your parents.

3. Have regular conversations with your child about what they are doing online. What sites to they like to visit, what do they do there, are they meeting any new friends.
Try not to make it seem like The Inquisition. Just a friendly conversation while driving to an activity or eating dinner together.

If your child resists sharing any information with you, there are a couple of tools at your disposal.

4. View their History
In most browsers, you can view a history of the sites that were viewed.
Select “History” from the Tool Bar, Select “Show All History” and then peruse to your hearts delight.

5. Do your research on tools that you can download to your computer to monitor your child’s activity

It can be hard to cover all the bases but do the best you can and pray your child will use the good sense God gave her.

Angry about Casey Anthony verdict? Sign petition for Caylee’s Law

My cousin sends me random emails all the time. Most of it happens to be the virtual chain letter. “Send this to 9 people and you will receive a large sum of money and a bag of potatoes”. She’s awesome. Today, I received a note from her about a petition for Caylee’s Law. As I was angry and enraged at the Not Guilty verdict, I decided to take a look. You can find more detailed info at the Change.org website.

The text of the petition is below:

Create Caylee’s Law, Not Reporting Child’s Disappearance Should Be a Felony

Greetings,

On July 5, 2011, at 1:15 pm CST, Casey Anthony was found not guilty of first degree murder in the death of her daughter Caylee Anthony. The only charges she now faces are four counts of falsifying police reports, each of which only carries a 1 year prison term. Since she has been in jail since August 2008, she will be out of jail ENTIRELY too soon.

I’m writing to propose that a new law be put into effect making it a felony for a parent, legal guardian, or caretaker to not notify law enforcement of the disappearance of a child within 24 hours, so proper steps can be taken to find that child before it’s too late.

This way there will be no more cases like Casey Anthony’s in the courts, and no more innocent children will have to go without justice.

The case of Caylee Anthony was tragic, and there is no reason for another case like this one to hit the courts. Let’s do what is necessary to prevent another case like this from happening.

[Your name]

This seems like a no-brainer. Why wouldn’t you report your child’s disappearance? When my 3 year old is briefly out of my sight when we are at the store, I need to make sure she is okay. But clearly, not everyone is as diligent a parent. And if they are NOT reporting the disappearance, then perhaps they already know what happened to their kid.

If you feel like changing the world, go to www.change.org and sign the petition or create your own!

Four Steps to Remain Sane While Chaperoning a Field Trip

I, too, have been affected by the economic downturn. I was laid off from my job last year. Seeking to turn a bad situation into a positive one, I have been volunteering at the kid’s school and chaperoning any field trips that come up. It’s been fun for the most part. But it’s made me realize that I’m so very appreciative of our teachers.

We typically take public transportation, which is the Light Rail in San Jose. You’d think these kids had never seen the light of day. They get so excited by the smallest things. “Oh my God! Look it’s a dead bird!” “How did those shoes get up on the wire?” And the chattering goes on and on.

My kids love for me to come on field trips. And, strangely enough, their classmates enjoy my company as well. I’ve found great strategies for surviving these forays into educational discovery.

1. Set your expectations right up front.

When I get the list of kids I’ll be responsible for, I pull them aside and let them know what is expected of them. I have a few simple rules:

1. They must always keep me in sight. If they can’t see me and I can’t see them – they are in trouble.
2. No screaming or obnoxious behavior. If they don’t know what constitutes obnoxious, I am always willing to school them on that.
3. They must act like responsible ___ graders. (Fill in the blank depending on your own kid’s grade.)

2. Be firm but flexible.

The field trip is supposed to be fun. They are going to be uber excited about not being in the classroom on a weekday, going out with their friends on public transportation is something different from their usual schedule. Allow them to be somewhat goofy but do not condone bad behavior. Respect for others and property is a priority.

3. Bring a blank notepad and a few pencils.

When you are in transit, you can have them play hangman or tic-tac-toe or some other word game to occupy their minds.

4. Engage the kids in conversation.

This is a great chance to get to know who your kids are hanging out with during the day. Children are very open and honest if they feel that an adult really cares about what they are saying. Be aware of how you respond to kids though. Adults can make a big impact – positive or negative – on a child. We should always strive to be a positive force in any child’s life.

That’s it. Remember, have fun. Let your kids have fun. Enjoy sharing this special time in your child’s life. They will remember it when they have kids and will hopefully pay it forward.