OVERWHELMED!!!

My goal for this blog is to write at least 3 times a week.  If you don’t hear from me, it only means I am buried under a pile of kid laundry, house clutter and chores. There is a neverending barrage of things to do each day. I try not to get overwhelmed by it all. I just focus on one thing at a time.  My youngest child is 4.5 months old. She is a great kid. She does all those cute baby things, eat, poop, eat, roll around, drool, repeat. Since my husband hasn’t figured out how to lactate, she spends a lot of the evening hanging out with me. After the rest of the kids go to bed at 8:30, I put the babe to bed – but she may not go down until 10:30. Then I must spend time with my husband so he doesn’t forget who  I am. After he goes to sleep, then I can get online and post to this blog.

Early morning posting could be an option but most of the kids are up early – and very demanding of my time. Late night is really the only time I can have a quiet moment and think. That’s how I got through business school. Late night homework sessions for 2 and a half years.

I just returned back to work a month ago after being away for three months on maternity leave. It’s been quite a transition period. I still don’t feel completely back in the groove. I feel like I arrived late to a party right after a joke has been told and I just caught the end of the punch line. It’s slowly coming back. I’m a project manager – a “senior” project manager, no less. I am the one that is supposed to be uber organized with my finger on the pulse of everything. Needless to say, I am still trying to make sure I can locate the pulse.

So what am I going to do? I’m going to be patient with myself and allow myself the room to be imperfect. I am going to try my damndest to get my stuff together at work as soon as possible. But most of all, I am going to enjoy my family to the fullest. I love being a mom. It is really the best thing in the world. It has its challenges, no doubt. I get frustrated, angry, burnt out, and sick of it all. But then the very next moment, I can realize why I love mommyhood. 

That could be why it’s been difficult to transition back to work. During my time off, I had a great time with the kids and taking care of the family as my fulltime job. I enjoy working but there is a different level of fulfillment here at home. Certainly a different level of appreciation. So, I will continue to aspire to be either a SAHM or a WAHM. I haven’t given up hope yet. I still need to convince my husband to get a second job. 😉

I have a dream…

When I got pregnant with my first child, I was 20 years old, unmarried and a new transplant from New York City. I was ultimately alone in California. My son’s father was around but only because he wanted me and not our child. Still and all, I was ecstatic over my pregnancy and I was really looking forward to being a mom.

I was on my way to work from my latest doctor appointment. We just did an ultrasound and I had the picture of my baby in my hand. I got on the bus and was marveling at my child. Unbeknownst to me, I was being watched by a young black man. He tapped me on the shoulder and asked if that was my baby. I excitedly said Yes! He then asked “Don’t you have any dreams?” Clueless me. I rambled on about how I was having dreams about my about my baby and how it was going to be a girl…blah…blah…blah. He shook his head and got off at the next stop.

It took me a moment to realize that he was talking about goals – not the dreams in my head. Duh. After I realized what he was referring to, I got angry. How dare he make assumptions about me and my life! Of course, at 20, I did look like a young teenager but that’s besides the point.

Of course I had dreams and goals and I never let go of them. Having a baby meant that my life would slow down and things would take longer to happen. I understood I wouldn’t have all of the opportunities that my childless peers would have. I was okay with all that.

After my son was born, I went back to college. I was very active on campus and in the community, elected to the Associated Students Board, named Homecoming Queen, and held officer positions in several clubs in addition to working part-time and a full load of classes. All this while raising a young baby with Down Syndrome. How was this possible? A lot of patience and much help from people who loved me. The key thing that enabled my success was holding onto my dreams. I always kept my eye on my goals. I was determined to graduate college – there was no other option for me. I had my goals and I was able to make plans to achieve my goals.

It doesn’t matter if you have one kid or five or none! Your life is what you want it to be. Just hold on to your dreams, no matter what.